No love (or its aftermath) can be wholly understood. (This is why we have literature and music and art—to define something that cannot be defined. If Plato’s Symposium had done the trick, we would not have libraries.) A boy broke your heart ages ago, so you keep him in the past where he belongs. That is, to answer your last question, perfectly okay. Why try to fake friendly with someone who hurt you? (But it will not be this way for every love yet to come. One will eventually just keep loving you and loving you). To answer the first, I have absolutely no idea.